By doing what we do.” “I am sure you’re making excuses. I’m trying to come to an understanding of exactly what has happened to you. My own mental state and my experiences from the past are still present in my psyche, in my thinking, and in my feelings—the same as yours. I will continue to try to use my ability to communicate with you, my awareness of what is happening, and to make it better, so just keep your hands on the wheel.” “You have very high standards for yourself, too. You are so sure of yourself.” “Yes. And you have high standards for anyone you interact with. That’s how you make friends or find love. But if you don’t meet either of them, what else can you expect?” “I’ll ask you some more questions later. You’ve clearly said too much already.” “Please. I think we have a great deal to talk about.” I asked a question I had no hope of understanding, then got lost in a sea of thoughts like a person caught up in a whirlwind. I didn’t think anything of it—to tell the truth, I have very little understanding of other people. My mind wandered off randomly, away over the sea of my own thoughts, into the strange, alien, and foreign world of my own soul, which I didn’t understand. The mind is the only reality that’s ever allowed to wander. I could see nothing. It didn’t exist. I was alone.
I didn’t understand what it felt like to be a prisoner, to have no choice but to stay where I was and not be able to leave. A great many people, including myself, have done just about the same thing, and it isn’t usually such a horrible experience. I began to see that I was in a room with other prisoners in a kind of prison, with people who thought like I thought, who had done wrong. It was like I was a child again in a bad dream. I didn’t believe this happened, but I was in love with the idea, so the idea of having to do time was no big deal to me. (This was during my first time being locked up in a prison, I think.) I thought, I’m not going to die without being able to communicate with people. If I don’t, they’re going to have to find someone they have.
In those days, I wasn’t very good at telling time. I would say in my dreams, “I’m going to go
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